Life experience ·6.1 ·

The uncertainty of finding your own path and following your passions

First, what I’ve been up to

I actually was not intending to take a break from my blog, but somehow it seems like I did, because the last time I posted was almost a year ago, last April to be exact. I think this is the most inactive I have ever been on my blog. It is not like I don’t have anything to write about, on the contrary, there are quite a few topics I want to touch on. It is just that last year I got more busy compared to usual. I know, I say that at the beginning of every post, but it is reality. Everytime I think it gets better, it may be calm for about two weeks before life hits me full force again (more like I ignored my responsibilities for two weeks and then I have to pay for it). Since I don’t want to write a separate life update post, let me bring you up to date on what is going on first, before we dive into the main topic of this new episode of the ‚Life experience‘ – series. Also, it kind of has something to do with the topic I want to talk about.

First of all, I handed in my Bachelor thesis last summer, which means I have a Bachelor degree now, so there’s that. Therefore I was occupied with writing my thesis which is why I did not really have the nerves or time to write anything for my blog. I also worked part-time during that period and as you might know already, those two things don’t really go well together with having free time. Another thing I’ve been concentrating on more than before is my photography which I got really into since I came back from Japan. I have only taken landscape and cityscape photos for fun before and some portraits of my friend here and there. Nothing really serious. However, after returning to Germany I was determined to venture into portrait photography more and started practicing on friends.

April 2018 with my friend @chaunart (Instagram)

I also spent my time watching YouTube tutorials about photography and editing while trying to figure out Photoshop and Lightroom. I practiced a lot when I had the time to. So in my free time I was going out to do photoshootings and then I would try to get better at editing photos at home. I began to think about concepts for photoshootings and I do enjoy the process a lot. I think the people who are interested enough in my life, or in my photography for that matter, to follow me on Instagram, are the most up to date concerning my life/photography/projects, because I do post some personal stuff in my stories occasionally. Since I still have vlogs from my year in Japan I would edit one now and then to keep my YouTube channel alive, even though I am really behind concerning those. I don’t even know how I managed to upload two videos a week when I was in Japan. Looking back, I am pretty impressed with myself. Now I am happy if I get to upload a video every few months.  I want to get more serious about videography and I have been thinking about where I want to go with it, but before that I have to finish all my vlogs first. Then I want to learn more about videography in order to be able to produce more high quality content.

ZenChan Japan Vlog (YouTube)

I also threw in some drawing, painting and sketching here and there when the urge got really strong. I neglected this hobby of mine in the recent years, which I find kind of sad. I think this was one of my first ever creative hobbies. I started with drawing before I even thought about taking photos or shooting videos. In high school I pretty much drew every single day, it was a huge part my life and I forgot how that feels like.

@zenchanartwork (Instagram)
@zenchanartwork (Instagram)

At the beginning of last year I started to get into DIY more and made a new cosplay with the help of my father and I made my first head-piece to use for photoshoots. I do plan to write about those in some future blog posts (so I won’t post any photos yet). Towards the end of the year, I also started working on a website, which I would like to use as my main website in the future. This blog will stand as an extension of the website where I continue to post about my life and my thoughts. The website is not finished at all, so I have not been able to launch it just yet. It was not the best time when I started it, because I decided that I want to make one just when I was busy with my thesis. I actually kind of worked on a website with my friend before, but we never went through with it, because neither of us had the time and we did not have a proper domain. I hope that I can get it done this year and I will launch it as soon as the last details are finished. In the mean time I adjusted the layout of this blog to fit my aesthetics more, since that has also changed in the last few years. You probably don’t even remember what my blog looked like before, since I haven’t posted in so long.

Now that I listed everything, I am realizing that I do actually have quite a few creative projects going on. No wonder, I never get anything done.  Even though I was thinking about what to write next for the blog the whole time and even wrote down some ideas, I never ended up writing anything for the rest of the year. I kind of regret that I did not post on here that much last year, but at least I was still productive in some other ways. However, since the new year has started, I thought it would be a good time to pick it up again.

So why did I tell you all these things? Well, I have this weakness that I can never get straight to the point, but if I remember correctly, the last post was less about my personal life per se, but about something more psychological I guess. The posts before that were more of a reflection of my year in Japan and I returned to Germany in summer 2017. A year and a half has passed since then and I did not really post any life updates. Other things has happened in my life. I continued my studies and got my degree. I started new projects and I am currently working on getting my Master’s degree which turns out to be a lot more time consuming and exhausting than I thought. I’m still working part-time. In November and December I worked 17h a week while having to do my usual uni stuff, like presentations, homework, attending lectures and all that. Maybe that is the reason why I felt more dead than alive. Luckily I work less hours now.

If you read my blog regularly, you know that I think about a lot of stuff. I mean everyone probably thinks a lot, so ‚overthinking‘ might be a more fitting term in my case. When I was writing my thesis I probably didn’t do much of that, because I had to concentrate on producing a coherent piece of text that is not going to be thrown into the garbage the minute someone reads it. Most people or rather everyone who graduates from university has to think about what to do next and usually that is work. As human beings, we have to work. There are people who aim for some kind of internship first. However, it boils down to the fact that you have to earn money whether you want to or not and preferably some decent amount of money. I don’t really like to think about the future. I hate it, to be more precise, because it stresses me out and gives me anxiety. Because of the Bachelor program I was in and because my grades are good enough, I decided to continue my studies. Though I was not a hundred percent sure about it, but I also was not sure about what to do after handing in my thesis. So I feel like I might have chosen the ‚easier‘ path. Probably depends on how you see it. I actually do want to work full-time, I really do, but I’m threading the job search and application to be honest. I am aware that probably many people feel this way. I know that’s life and such and you have to go through with it sooner or later. I am going to explain in more detail what is going on in my mind in the next part. I also have talked about a similar topic in some of my previous posts.
Since I could continue working part-time and continue my studies, I decided to stay in university for now, get my Master’s degree while I’m still at it.

I went home for Christmas and New Year. That was when I think I kind of got a mental breakdown. I started questioning everything I do, my hobbies, my studies, everything. I got sick on the first of day of 2019, so that was a great start into the new year and it did not really help with the mental state I was in. The overthinking got so bad one night, it caused me a major headache and such anxiety that I couldn’t sleep. I mean, I always have these kind of phases throughout the year, but every year I get older and I am asking myself ‚What have I achieved until now?‘ and ‚What do I actually want to do with this one life that I have?‘. Until now I haven’t been able to find an answer to those two questions.

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